Not This Year
by rooster dawn
Summary: Summary: After hearing the news that she may not be able to have children, Mac has only one desire.
1. Chapter 1

**Not This Year**

_rooster dawn_

_Pairing: Harm/Mac_

_Spoiler: four percent solution without the crash._

_Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. _

_Summary: After hearing the news that she may not be able to have children, Mac has only one desire._

_Feedback is always appreciated, but be nice. We're all friends here._

part 1

1600 hours

24 Dec 2004

Mac's apartment

It was Christmas time and Harm was preparing to go to the Robert's house for dinner with the Jag family before Christmas Eve service.

Harm and Mac had been together since Thanksgiving.

Mac had been seeing Commander McCool to deal with her ghosts and issues with Harm. She had worked through most of them to the point she was able to accept Harm's attention for what they were, his desire to be with her for the rest of his life.

But even with all the counseling sessions she was still dealing with the possibility that she would never be able to have a child of her own. Harm had been very supportive of her.

He had even discussed other possible ways to have a child of their own. Many of them were logical alternatives to her problem, but the desired to carry her own child was overwhelming right now.

She didn't want to be around people who were able to have their own children right now, especially Harriet. She loved Harriet as a sister, but it was too painful to see her pregnant with twins when she didn't know if she would ever have one of her own.

She had been stalling most of the day. She hoped that Harm would take the hint that she didn't want to go out and be with other people. She wanted to stay home alone ... with Harm.

Tomorrow would be better. They were going to the airport to pick up Chloe. She had managed to convince her Grandmother to allow her to be with Mac this Christmas. There was even the possibility that Mattie might show up.

"What's the matter Mac? Why aren't you ready yet? We need to get to Harriet's house for dinner before we go to the Christmas Eve service." asked a concerned Harm.

"I'm not going Harm. I'm not really in the mood to be festive this year." replied Mac.

"Why Mac? You know how important this time of year is to the cohesiveness of Jag, to us." argued Harm looking for the reason for Mac's reluctance.

"Harm, you know what I've been through this year. You know about the fertility test results after the treatments I received last spring." wailed Mac. Why was he being so difficult? Why couldn't he understand?

"I know Mac. That's why it's important for you to be around friends this Christmas." argued Harm. He didn't want Mac to isolate herself. He wanted her to keep the faith.

"Why Harm? Mic told me the same thing after you crashed. It was the last thing I wanted then, it's the last thing I want now. Being with other people doesn't make the pain go away." wailed Mac.

"If I go Harm, I'll see everything that I can't have Harm." whined Mac. She felt like crying. "I'm not ready for that."

"Come on Mac, they're our friends. They want to share their joy with us. It's been awhile since you've seen little AJ and Jimmy K." replied Harm hoping to convince her in the merits of going.

"That's just it Harm. They remind me of the fact that I will never have any children of my own." wailed Mac.

Why couldn't he understand that she didn't want to be around anyone this year, especially Harriet and the kids?

"That's not entirely true Mac. There's still a chance, abet a small one. I understand that, but AJ and Jimmy K don't understand. All they know is that they miss you, they just want to spend time with you." explained Harm.

"And I miss them too Harm, but it's too soon Harm. The pain is still too fresh to be around people who are happy and children. They'll want to know what's wrong and I don't want to tell them. I don't want anyone to know." wailed Mac. She was nearly in tears.

"What if we only go over for an hour or two? You could spent some time with the kids and then eat dinner." suggested Harm.

"I don't know Harm. I'm not really up to it. I really do want to be alone." replied Mac.

"How about I give Harriet a call. I'll find out what time dinner is. We'll get there about thirty minutes before dinner. It will give you a little quality time with the kids. You won't have to answer any questions.

We'll have dinner and leave fifteen to twenty minutes later. It shouldn't take more than ninety minutes tops." offered Harm.

"Okay Harm, but I'm holding you to it. I'm not in the mood to be entertained or be happy. I will walk out the door at the agreed time with or without you." replied Mac.

Harm went into the next room to call Harriet. He was glad he convinced Mac to go along with him. Harm and Harriet talked for awhile before agreeing that Mac needed to be with her friends.

"Hi Harriet, It's Harm. How are you and the babies? I'm calling to find out what time dinner is at your house tonight." greeted Harm.

"Hi Commander! The twins and I are doing just fine Sir. I'm not sure what time dinner will be ready. Bud and Mikey are working on it. I doubt that we'll eat anytime before 2000 hours Sir." replied Harriet happily.

"Is the Colonel coming with you Sir? The boys are looking forward to seeing her. They miss her so much." continued Harriet.

"That's yet to be determined. She's not really in the Christmas mood today Harriet. She doesn't want to be around people, but I think I can get her to make an appearance." replied Harm.

"We're not people Commander, we're her friends. She's like family to us. You get her over here Sir, we'll cheer her up." chirped Harriet. Her little busy body mind was whirling at top speed about how to cheer Mac up.

Harm hoped that Harriet was right. He hated seeing Mac so despondent. He figured that it wouldn't hurt to get Mac over there a little earlier than promised. It would give her more time to spend with the kids and more time for the rest of the gang to cheer her up.

He walked back into the room to Mac. It was 1700 hours now. He figured the trip would take thirty or forty minutes depending on the traffic. It would be prudent then to leave here around 1740 hours.

"What did Harriet have to say Harm?" asked Mac upon Harm's return.

"She's doing fine. The kids really miss you. Bud is driving her crazy. Mikey is cooking dinner." smiled Harm as he saw Mac react positively to his report.

"What time is dinner going to be served Harm?" asked Mac. It was after all the purpose of the phone call.

"Harriet wasn't exactly sure since Mikey is doing the cooking and Bud is helping. But she said probably around 1910 to 1930 hours." fibbed Harm. He wanted Mac to socialize with her friends. He hoped it would lift her spirits.

Sometimes when you're sad, the best medicine is to be with others even when you don't feel like it. It usually will get you out of a poor mood quicker, at least for the day.

1830 hours

Robert's house

Harm and Mac arrived over at the Roberts residence around 1830 hours. Harm and Mac put their gifts for the boys under the tree. Mac went upstairs with the boys to play until dinner.

Harm saw Sturgis and AJ standing by the fire drinking a beer and talking. He grabbed a beer and walked over to them.

"How is she Harm?" asked Turner.

"Okay I guess. Though she really didn't want to come over here tonight." replied Harm.

"Why not Commander? I thought she like spending time with the Roberts." inquired AJ.

He had recently returned from watching the Red Sox win their first World Series in eighty six years. He wasn't aware of any medical problems Mac was having.

"She's had some medical problems Sir. She might not be able to have any children. Seeing Harriet pregnant with twins has her feeling sorry for herself. I'm hoping that once she spends some time with her friends she'll feel better." sighed Harm.

Forty minutes later Mac came down the stairs to see if dinner was ready. It had been fun playing with the boys, but she was ready to leave. She knew she needed to put some time in with the others that were gathered here.

"Hi Harm, is dinner ready?" asked Mac.

"I don't know, I can ask Harriet. Why don't you sit here and enjoy yourself." smiled Harm warmly.

"I don't want to enjoy myself Harm. I want to eat dinner and leave. I'm tired." replied Mac.

Harm sighed. His plan wasn't quite working as he had hope. He had hope she would want to stay after spending time with AJ and Jimmy K. But he was wrong. Would he ever figure her out? Apparently not in this lifetime.


	2. Chapter 2

**Not This Year**

_rooster dawn_

Pairing: Harm/Mac

Spoiler: four percent solution without the crash.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended.

Summary: After hearing the news that she may not be able to have children, Mac has only one desire.

_Feedback is always appreciated, but be nice. We're all friends here._

part 2

Harriet had seen Mac walked into the room. She waddled over as fast as her chubby little legs could in her condition. She missed seeing Mac on a daily basis. She was disappointed that Mac hadn't been by in a couple of months.

"Ma'am! How are you doing? It's been a long time. Did you have fun with the boys?" asked Harriet in a high pitch happy voice. It felt like fingernails on a blackboard to Mac.

Harm smiled at Harriet's excitement. It was so genuine. Harriet was so wonderful at cheering people up. It was her gift in life. He hoped Mac would feed on her energy.

"I'm fine Harriet. It was nice seeing the boys. I'm sorry Harriet, I've been busy at work. How's dinner coming along Harriet?" asked Mac. 'I just want to eat and go home.'

"Should be ready in another hour Ma'am." replied Harriet.

"What! Harm told me you said dinner was scheduled for 1915 hours. It's now after 1930 hours." exclaimed Mac angrily.

"No Ma'am. I told the Commander that dinner would be ready at 2000 hours at the earliest." sniffled Harriet. Her hormones began to take over. She didn't like seeing Mac upset.

"I want to leave Harm. You promised me we would only stay for an hour." ordered Mac. She was upset. She didn't like to be lied to. She needed to be alone by herself. She felt herself losing control.

"Mac, calm down. So we wait another hour for dinner. We're already here with our friends. It's Christmas Eve. It's a time to be thankful and happy." replied Harm as he tried to console her and get her to relax.

"Happy Harm! What do I have to be happy and thankful for?" asked Mac waving her hands about her.

"You have me Sarah." replied Harm hoping to calm her. Calling her by her given name usually had a calming affect on her that made her feel good.

"Do I Harm? Are you sure you want me? You know I can't give you what you want!" shouted Mac angrily.

"Of course I want you Sarah. I've wanted you since the first day I saw you. I thought my heart died when Diane was killed, but you were the salve that healed my heart so that I could love once again.

I'm sorry I wasted so many years before I told you how I felt, but I do love you more than life itself. Please Sarah, stay here with our friends." pleaded Harm.

Their friends looked on in disbelief. They could believe what they were hearing. Even though many of them believed that the Commander and Colonel were meant to be together and that they loved each other, they had given up any hope of ever hearing either one of them admit it.

"Ma'am ... Sarah, please come in and sit down. We all want to be here with you. We all love you. Please stay Sarah." pleaded Harriet as she tried to get Mac to move back into the room.

"Take your hands off me Lieutenant! If there is one person in the world I don't want to be around right now, it's YOU!" ordered Mac.

"Sarah, stop before you say something you'll regret later." pleaded Harm as he led Mac away from Harriet.

"Let go of me Harm." ordered Mac. "I'm sick of her goody, goody too sweet attitude of hers. She thinks a smile and an apology will excuse her from any of her many screw ups. Not this time Harm." Mac was hot and full of steam. There was no stopping her now.

"Do you want to know WHY I don't want to be around you Lieutenant?" asked Mac.

Harriet shook her head NO, hoping Mac would stop her tirade. She had tears welling up in her eyes. She had only wanted to help.

"Stop that crying Lieutenant. That behavior is unbecoming of an officer." ordered Mac.

"Yes Ma'am." whimpered Harriet as she fought to hold back her tears.

"When you were in the office back in May gloating about being pregnant with twins, I had just come back from the doctors. They told me I needed surgery. That the chances of me having children was less than five percent. Do you know how that feels Lieutenant?" yelled Mac.

"No Ma'am." whimpered Harriet cowering. Where was Bud?

"It's the worse feeling in the world Harriet. It's worse than hearing that Bud stepped on a landmine." continued Mac. She was now in Harriet's face only inches away.

"It's worse than hearing that they stopped searching for Harm when his plane crashed the night before my wedding." continued Mac.

There were tears streaming down her face as she tried to explain the harsh reality to Harriet and everyone in the room.

They were beginning to get a pretty good idea how Mac was feeling at that moment. They all knew how totally devastated she was that night. As much as they all wanted to go to Mac and hold her in their arms, they knew they couldn't.

Mac needed to get it all out. They all understood that. It was unfortunate she was taking it out on Harriet who was less than two weeks away from her due date. They were concerned she might go into labor prematurely.

"To hear that you were having twins right after hearing I couldn't have any children, ... I wanted to die Harriet. That's the reason Harriet that I have stayed away from you. I can't be around you right now. It hurts too much." finished Mac as she turned away.

She went into Harm's arms and whispered "Please take me home Harm."

"Okay Sarah, I'm sorry." whispered Harm as he led her to the closet to get their coats before leaving.

As they walked out the door Bud walked into the room.

"What's going on in here? What's with all the yelling?" asked Bud.

AJ walked over to him and said "I think your wife needs you Bud. You better take her upstairs."

Everyone stood around speechless. They didn't know what to do. Should they stay or should they leave? Should they give Harriet time to recover before making that decision?

AJ figured that since he was still the acknowledged leader of this dysfunctional family, he had to make the decision on whether to stay or leave. But before he could open his mouth to say anything Bud spoke up.

"Please, everyone, stay. Harriet would like you all to stay. She just needs a few moments to regain her composure. It won't be long before dinner is ready."

"After dinner when we attend the Christmas Eve service, we shall all pray for Mac. We should pray to God to let her have a child she so richly deserves." offered Chaplin Turner.

Harm and Mac were quiet on the way back to her apartment. It appeared to Harm that she had fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the headrest. She must be emotionally drained he thought.

He could sense that telling everyone about her condition drained every ounce of strength from her body. She looked exhausted as she slept. It wasn't long before they arrive back at her apartment.

He tried to wake her up, but she couldn't be awaken. He lifted her out of the car and took her upstairs to her apartment. They went inside where he laid her down on her bed. He took off her coat and shoes and laid a bedspread over her.

Surprisingly she slept through the night. He mused to himself that he was going to have one hungry marine come tomorrow.

0800 hours

Mac's apartment

The next morning Mac woke up to the smell of coffee percolating and eggs, bacon, and toast cooking. She couldn't believe that it was morning. The last thing she remembered was getting into the car with Harm.

She noticed that she was still wearing the same clothes. That must mean Harm had carried her up to bed. She must have been really out of it if she didn't wake up. She got up and hit the shower.

Harm heard the shower being turned on. His marine was finally awake. He smiled. After what happen last night he was really worried about her. It had taken quite an emotional toll on her.

He hadn't realized how much the reality that she might not be able to have a child affected her. He was sad obviously that they might not be able to have a child together, but there were other alternatives.

Chloe and Mattie were two prime examples of one example. They were two young women who had a lost their mother and needed someone to love them. He thought he and Mac had done a fine job with each of them.

As long as he live though he would never know what it was like to carry a child. As long as he had thought about having a child with Mac, the thought of how it felt to have a baby growing inside her didn't exist.

Though he had thought about watching Mac's abdomen grow larger with their child inside her. The thought did excite him. It would allow him to demonstrate to her how much he loved her.

When Harm heard the shower stop he put the pancakes on the grill. Several minutes later Mac was standing there watching Harm put everything on the kitchen table.

"Morning Sarah, how are you feeling?" asked Harm.

"Pretty good actually. I'm surprised that I slept so long. Did you carry me to bed last night?" asked Mac.

"You were out like a light last night. Nothing I did could wake you. Have a seat and eat your breakfast. You must be hungry." smiled Harm.

"I am starving, I didn't eat anything last night. I'm sorry about last night Harm. I don't know what happen to me." moaned Mac.

"You were hurting and I didn't listen to you. I should have been more sensitive to your need to be alone and come to terms with your condition. I'll try to be more supportive and not push you so hard. You know I love you Sarah. I want what's best for you." replied Harm.

"You're what's best for me Harm. You have always been what's best for me. I'm so sorry about blowing up at Harriet. She didn't deserve it. She didn't do anything." wailed Mac.

"She understands Sarah. I called her last night to see how she was doing. She said it was the hormones that made it appear worse than it really was. She really does understand better than any of us. Remember she lost baby Sarah a couple of years ago.

She said it took a long time to get over losing her. It was hard for her to see other mothers with new baby girls. It hurt a lot to lose her, but carrying her for night months and finally finding out she was a girl was one of the best experiences of her life.

She understands that for you not to experience that joy was as devastating as you tried to explain to everyone last night. She's going to be okay. She's more worried about you." consoled Harm.

"Thank you Harm for understanding. I'll have to go see her soon to apologize for my outburst. Thank you for breakfast." smiled Mac in relief.

"Are you ready to go to the airport and pick up Chloe?" asked Harm.

"Yes I am. I have been counting the minutes since she called me last Tuesday. She always makes me feel good. Is Mattie coming?" asked Mac.

"Yeah, She's driving up from Blacksburg. She should be here around 1300 hours." smiled Harm.

"Is her father coming along?" asked Mac.

"No, he's spending time with his sister. It'll just be Mattie." replied Harm.

"I didn't know she was old enough to drive." inquired Mac.

"She is sixteen Sarah, only a few months younger than Chloe." replied Harm.

1800 hours

Mac's apartment

A couple hours later Harm and Mac were enjoying their Christmas dinner with Chloe and Mattie. They had spent an enjoyable afternoon exchanging gifts and talking about what was happening in their lives.

For the first time in a long time Mac was happy. The most important people in her life were all together having a good time. It wasn't what she pictured her life to be like with Harm, but it wasn't bad either.

It gave her hope that she still could have a long fulfilling life with people to love. All she had to do was keep the faith. And as long as Harm was there for her, life would be fun and interesting.

**__**

THE END


End file.
